I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
