i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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