Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
