I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
