Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
Randomize
