I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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