I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
