Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
farters have to be the big spoon...
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
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complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
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No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
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