The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
