I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
