When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Randomize
