I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
