I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
