Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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