Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
