you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
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I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
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It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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