I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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