Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
