There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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