I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
