Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Bring me that man meat
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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