never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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