Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
where are you?
Hypothermia
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
