I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
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