i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
