I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
