I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
