my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
