My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
