the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
