Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Randomize
