When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Floor bacon is actually really good
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
