24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
