Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
