Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.