I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
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well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
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Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.