cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I currently don't understand fingers.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
