Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
