Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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