remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
