he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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