I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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