it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
