when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
