Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
How does one acquire holy water?
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
