If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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