How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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