No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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