Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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