dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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