we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Randomize
