my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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