i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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