so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
