Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
