hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
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